One of my LEAST FAVORITE yet incredible persistent pressure that exists around our jobs is “I should have it figured out by now”. It’s outrageously sneaky because it seems so simple yet can cover all kinds of different pressures: comparing yourself to others, needing to have achieved something big, using an external definition of success, etc. The mean voice doesn’t even have to use any creativity, it just pushes this one button and knows that it’ll completely take you out. You’ll be in an existential crisis and downward spiral in no time!
I should have it figured out by now.
It fills me with rage how many people have been taught this and use it as a tool to berate themselves. Let me be clear, this is a very real pressure and there are a lot of societal expectations that show up a certain way. This pressure is more intense for some folks in the workplace and everyone does not get the same grace to not have it together. It’s real, and I hate what it does to people.
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Here’s a quote I love from the book Roadmap:
“Get rid of the noise that there’s an expectation that you have it figured out by 20 and that’s who you are for your whole life. Re-evaluate how much you’re allowed to change who you are throughout life and at what age you’re supposed to have it ‘figured out’. You’re allowed to have multiple identities over your life, you can decide that you’re going to do something else/be someone else at 40 or 50.”
I would take it a step further and say that “figured out” should never be a goal. What does it even look like to have it figured out, and who decided that was the goal? And please show me the people who have it “figured out” because I speak to people all day every day who are telling me about how everyone else has it figured out…
What if our society doesn’t allow us to share that we don’t have it figured out? What if we’re told to share the shiny, polished, externally pleasing version at all costs? What if it’s not safe for folks to not have it all together and figured out?
There’s a game I like to call Pressures Bingo where I share the top 10 pressures I hear most often and clients tell me which ones resonate. It’s not really a game you can win per se, but it’s a light way to get more of us talking about the pressures that feel so isolating and lonely. We’re all convinced it’s just us, but I get to see into a secret world where many of us have the same exact pressures based on the societal soup we’re all swimming in.
I have to be constantly advancing in my career on an upwards trajectory. Each role should be more impressive and senior.
My job has to be saving the world.
I have to love my job every day.
My job is my identity and it defines me.
I have to keep doing what I’m doing so I’m not giving up after putting in all these years. I can’t make a change or I’ll have to “start over.”
My job has to be impressive and “cool” to other people.
I should be farther ahead in my career given my age.
I shouldn’t complain about my job, most people don’t really like their jobs and have it way worse than I do.
I should be able to figure this out on my own.
I feel so behind and everyone else seems to have it figured out. I should have it figured out by now.
How’d you do? A recent client laughed when she looked at the list because it became so clear how absurd it is that we never talk about these things. We assume that everyone else isn’t talking about it because they have it figured out, but consider that we may just not be talking about it because it’s not safe or “the done thing”.
So what if it wasn’t about having it figured out?
Well, let me back up for a moment. First, let’s look at what it would look like if we did have it “figured out” (I still don’t have any idea how to define that). If you knew what was going to happen every day for the rest of your life, where would the serendipity, spontaneity, inspiration, room for growth, and adventure be? What happens if you get to different phases of your life and you’re a slightly different person with different needs and desires? Something doesn’t add up for me in this world of having it “figured out.” It feels like a false end state where we have no more worries or questions about our purpose and contribution.
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So now, what might we aim for if the point isn’t to have it figured out? I would put the focus on exploration, experience, discovering as you go, being open to possibility, and knowing that there’s never an endpoint where you feel like you know exactly what you’re doing. It’s about having a compass that helps you evaluate the different choices along the way and makes sure you feel good with every decision. It’s allowing room for mental meandering and personal experimentation as sources of power, as they talk about in the book Range. It’s embracing a lifelong exploration of who you are and what’s important to you.
So the next time the mean voice exerts absolutely no creativity whatsoever and pokes your “I should have it figured out by now” button, what belief would you like to hold instead?
Here’s one of my favorites from Designing Your Life:
“When you remember that you are always playing the infinite game of becoming more and more yourself and designing how to express the amazingness of you into the world, you can’t fail.”
I should have it figured out by now.
I am playing the infinite game of becoming more and more myself.
I am learning how to express the amazingness of me into the world.
Or if you’re feeling cheeky, you could try on:
There’s absolutely no reason I should have it figured out by now and that’s not a goal I have for my life.
Find the version that gives you relief and freedom, and please, can we stop perpetuating the idea that everyone else has it figured out.
The job search doesn't have to be an exhausting energy suck. You need a framework FAST.
Click the button below to access your FREE copy of The Analytically Minded Job Search Roadmap!